What happens next?

What do Storm Troopers do after the Deathstar blows up? I'd like to think it's a lot like this. The picture was far too big and I wasn't sure how to put it directly up, so here's the link.

Existence.

Now everyone knows me as the intelligent one here on Ohao, which makes Patrick the stupid one and Woody also the stupid one. It's a Group Dynamic. Group Dynamics exist to keep our world in order. How else will we know who is going to stay behind in the van and override the security systems of banks when we pull of heists? It's there for a reason. However several things in this world seem to exist but they really could be fabrications of the human mind. Such as Walter the Rape Troll, The Sixties, Spacial Relationships, Dennis Kucinich and Chewbaccachaun (not to be confused with Chaka Khan).

Seriously, what is he?

Ask anyone from the Sixties if they remember it, they'll probably laugh awkwardly and shake their head telling you "No.". So how can we be sure if any of the sixties real happened? Perhaps the "Sixties" were just a failed government experiment that attempted to teach the world the horrors of free love and Rock and Roll! Maybe it's still 1998! Maybe Y2K never happened because it wasn't supposed to happen yet! WE ARE STILL IN DANGER PEOPLE! TELL THE MASSES! SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS! I will use my remaining two years to finish this article, get a piggy back ride from Harrison Ford, become one of the Beastie Boys, then build a bombshelter to save the human race... except the Jews... and the Minish...

And your talking hat.

The biggest offender however of pseudo-existence is Math. Math does not exist, it is nothing but a set of rules created by human beings, altered and tweaked until they matched the world around us. It is no different that any language. There is a very simple way to prove that math doesn't exist. I challenge you, the reader to go find me Two. Now you can't give me a piece of paper with a two written on it, or two of something, find me two... It's impossible! No where in the universe is Two! And much like my lovelife, IT DOESN'T EXIST. Calculus was created because a problem couldn't be solved with trigonometry. The reason that we have accepted math as a universal truth is because the power of the collective minds were enough to imprint it on reality. In fact all of reality could be nothing more than a fabrication. All of the world we live in could be based on our perceptions of reality and nothing more. What's even more interesting is that science is starting to back this theory up. The theory of Quantum Entanglement theorizes that all matter could actually be in contact with each other, and the only reason we see space between objects is because of our mind's perception of reality. Simply put, everything you ever loved, hated, felt indifferent about or accidentally groped you on the bus is POINTLESS. Quantum Physics is basically doing a big "Up your tits!" to reality. It's understandable though, from years of being treated like nerds and geeks, Quantum Physicists decided that the weren't going to take that and made Reality the nerds. So guess what, science just proved that you're all nerds. So you might as well go buy a pocket protector and start watching Quantum Leap, because you just joined our ranks.

Ewoks

Hello there.

I'm posting today to give you a warning. A warning about one of the most terrible creatures ever discovered in the galaxy. They're a dread species that causes wide-spread panic and distress. Their very name is enough to send chills down your spine, causing you to violently vomit in terror as their demonic chants drift across the wind.


I speak of course of Ewoks.

Above: Ewoks

Now I'm sure you're thinking, "Ewoks? Those cuddly little bear creatures from Return of the Jedi?" Yes. And I'm sure you feel that they're harmless little teddy bears. Who would fear them? Endor's an entire goddamn planet of teddy bears. It seems like a paradise.

But let me walk you through how a visit to Endor will unfold. First, you land on the forest planet, unsure of what creatures may inhabit it. Then, to your great surprise you find that Endor, like all planets in the Star Wars galaxy has oxygen on it, so you can breathe. Bonus! Then, when frolicking through the forest, you come across the seemingly prominent species on the planet. Ewoks. The first thing you will probably think is "awwww, isn't it adorable?"

Above: adorable

"Aren't you just he cutest little things? I could hug you forever...hey...why are you tying me up? Is that fire? OH GOD! DON'T SHOVE THAT SPEAR THERE, THAT'S A BAD PLACE! NOOOOOOOO!!!"

That's right. You land on their planet, and they feel that's grounds enough to sacrifice you to their Blood God, Yub Nub Chub.

Above: Yub Nub Chub Devourer of Souls and patron saint of Ewok Disco

Seriously, the only reason that these fuzzy little pagans didn't kill the cast of Jedi when they capture them is because they think C-3PO is some sort of mightier war god or something, making it the only time in Star Wars history that C-3PO wasn't a complete waste of metal.

Why the Hell do we think that Ewok's are cute? If a species first instinct upon seeing a newcomer to their little hippie tree town is "Hey, you look like you'll burn nicely!" IT'S NOT A CUTE ANIMAL! It's a dangerous little beast with very strange theological ideology that should be feared and destroyed.

And to further my insane hate-rant against Ewoks, is the fact that in the wildly popular made for TV movie Ewoks: The Battle for Endor acclaimed actor Wilford Brimley (yes, THE Wilford Brimley) played a strange hermit character who lived peacefully among the Ewoks. How could this be? How could the war-loving Ewok society approve of this oatmeal enthusiast. Well the only reason I can see of why they wouldn't burn his supple man-flesh is that they fear his mighty Diabetes. That or they're just big fans of Cocoon.

Above: Ewok Citizen Kane

But my most terrifying findings in the life of Ewoks? The fact that the most popular Ewok, the one named Wicket that befriended Princess Leia, was played by midget actor Warwick Davis. And what's one of Warwick's other famous characters?

The Leprechaun.

above: The friendliest Ewok

So, as you can logically see, the Ewok is not the only creature on Endor. Ewok's are merely the first stage in the lifespan of some horrible creature that populates Endor. After Ewok's reach the ripe old age of 300, they begin to loose their hair, and gradually mutate into monstrous creatures known on Earth as Leprechauns. These Ewochauns have mastered galactic travel, and send representatives of their terrible species for the grand purposes of harassing Jennifer Aniston and Ice-T.

Evil INDEED has a whole new rap

Going along with this insane idea, are the ideas of genetic breeding. Like all evil alien species (such as Skrulls, Klingons and Nazis) the Ewoks will eventually set about selective breeding to ensure a terrible super-Ewok that will be unstoppable. So after several hours of intense genealogical studies, I have found the most terrifying creature Endor could possibly produce. By cross-breeding famed warrior and Nobel prize winning author Chewbacca with an Ewok, they would produce a creature who's final life form would be some dread combination of a Wookie and a Leprechaun. With the brute, unbeatable strength of a Wookie teamed with the cunning and rhyming prowess of a Leprechaun, this new species would quickly rise to Galactic dominance. They'll sneak into your homes and the last thing you'll see before getting your arms ripped off is a fuzzy monstrosity wearing a green hat doing a little jig and singing "Danny Boy."

And that is why my platform for President supports the immediate carpet-bombing of Endor until it's a scarred husk of a moon.

Take that you fuzzy little terrorists.

USA! USA!

Above: Chewbaccachaun, the last thing you will ever see

Oh interwebs....

Hi there.

I'm about 90% positive no one reads this blog, and even if you ever did, you've long since lost hope that another post would happen. I know I can't vouch for what Woody's doing, and I'm sure Brett's been up to important things (watching Lithuanian porn). I, on the other hand, have been very busy staging a coup in Columbia. It all started when a woman named Christina came to tell me that a former friend of mine named Santos had been killed while trying to lead a revolution against the cruel dictator. So I of course stepped in to help......wait...that's the plot of McBain. Whatever I've actually just been suffering from a severe case of apathy.

above: Author

But I decided to overcome that apathy, and write something. And my random reference to McBain is the first step to that something. And you just thought it was pointless pop culture referencing. No. In fact, I was participating in something the internet prides itself in. Worshiping Christopher Walken. Why Christopher Walken? Why not. I really can't explain why the internet has taken to him, but it has. And he's not the only one. The internets seem to be able to latch onto any person of marginal celebrity, and make them a patron saint. Other examples include Chuck Norris, who would be nothing if the internet hadn't begun making claims of his divinity, and Rick Astley, who should have faded into purgatory with the rest of the 80's but instead lives on in the form of annoying anyone foolish enough to accept a link from anyone. The list goes on, but I'm too lazy to talk about them.

above: Awesome

But what was the purpose of this article? I have some people who I feel are worthy to become saints of the interwebs.


First off, this friendly chap

above: Sweaty, hairy awesome

His name is Torgo. And he's glorious. Torgo has been something of a nerd icon even since his truly awful movie Manos: the Hands of Fate was unleashed on the public in the form of an episode of the classic show Mystery Science Theater 3000. Torgo was something of a villainous character (if knocking out a guy then trying to fondle his wife makes a guy a villain) but I see Torgo as something of a hero. And if the some other sites I found are to be trusted, Torgo is in fact Jesus. So he's got that going for him.


Second, this man

above: Totally awesome

His name is David Daggett. Why should he be an internet saint? Well I really don't think I have to go into that here. Moving on



And Finally, my last candidate for internet saint-hood, Danny DeVito

above: Awesome?

Why Danny DeVito? Well, he's short and weird. And frankly, that should be enough for you internet.

Well, that's all for now, I hope you embrace my candidates internet.
I may update more often, not that anyone reads this. If anyone actually did read this post, and is mildly interested in us continuing our blog, it'd be great if you comment or something so I don't feel like I'm just talking to myself. Not that I have a problem with talking to myself...even though I am a dick...god I hate me...