Humanitarian Plans

So, because I don't really do any work (yay psychology major!) I spend a lot of time thinking. And that's a bad thing, as we've already talked about. I have lots of ideas that don't get accomplished primarily because I don't have the money to do them. Which is probably a good thing. Because I have some insane ideas.

Fuck you, I think it's awesome

But I think I found a way to fix that situation. It's called the MacArthur Fellows Program.
You've probably heard of it as the "genius grant." It's been popularized in pop culture as some sort of magic program that gives money to people as long as their geniuses. A lot of money. For being smart.
Now, I'm not going to lie and say that I'm smart, but I am cheap and crafty. So I thought I'd look into the program and see if I could exploit it. Going into my research, I really didn't expect that much. I figured that you had to be a... y'know...genius, to get the genius grant. But apparently not. Bonus?
My research found that recipients don't have to be geniuses...hell the only real restriction is that you're a citizen in the U.S.
I shit you not.
According to the site, there's only three major criteria for getting the grant. So let's break them down.

Criteria the First (see, I'm smart): Exceptional creativity. Well that's a freebie. I have oodles of creativity. Just look at this picture

Above: Exceptional Creativity

Criteria the Second: "promise for important future advances based on a track record of significant accomplishment." Okay, this one's a little more challenging. I can easily guarantee that I'll promise future advances...it's not like I'm going to waste all my genius money on crack and hookers...that's what graduation money's for. The part that's a little harder is my "track record of significant accomplishment." Not sure if I have a track record of any accomplishment, let alone a significant one. But I'm sure I'll find a way to weasel out of that one.

Criteria the Third (or, el finito as I like to call it) : "potential for the fellowship to facilitate subsequent creative work." This one doesn't seem like it should exist. What the hell kind of creative work would money not facilitate? Even if your "creative work" was making Popsicle stick sculptures while nude, money would help. So I win this criteria too!

So that gives me two out of three... so majority rules, I get the genius grant. But now the question remains...what do I do with my meager (read: $500,000) reward? Oh...I have ideas. Grand ideas.

First off... I have an idea to better my understanding of both psychology and zoology. A taser monkey. Now, I'm sure you're wondering "what the fuck is a taser monkey?" Well hold your goddamn horses, I'm going to explain it. It's actually a very simple idea. I get a monkey and implant a chip in it's brain. This chip will be linked with a taser that will be grafted onto the monkey's hand.

Artist's rendering

But what will the chip in the monkey's brain do? Why it will send currents into the pain centers of the monkeys brain. But here's the genius of the idea. When the monkey activates the taser in his hand, the chip in his brain will stop. The monkey will thus be conditioned to taser others in order to save himself. Then, I let the monkey loose into a major metropolitan area, and hilarity ensues. Sure, it'll be a living hell for the peasants on the streets, but what do I care? I'm a genius! I'll be watching from my helicopter and giggling mercilessly.

This monkey is going to taser the shit out of you

But my second idea is vastly better. First, I need to get about thirty dead chickens. And right from the beginning, you can tell this is going to be an amazing idea. After I get my chickens, the next step is to put them in little space suits. Because chickens + space suits equals hilarity in my book

GIGGLE DAMN YOU

After I have the chickens in their space suit, I will construct a large metallic sphere, and fill it with different random electronic equipment. I will then place the chickens in the sphere, and seal it up. Once that's done, I will jettison the chicken-sphere to the moon. All of this will be done with the utmost secrecy, so no one outside my organization will know it's happening. Then, next time we send humans to the moon, they will find said chicken-sphere, and will verily flip shit. Were they some sort of space chickens, sent from another planet, but crash landed on the moon? Or are they terrestrial chickens who somehow made a space ship? Are chickens actually more intelligent than us? These are the types of questions scientists would have to ask themselves after they find my chicken sphere. So basically, this plan involves me performing a $500,000 prank on humanity with money I got under fraudulent means. If that isn't exceptional creativity, I don't know what is.

Kind of like this, but with less Dustin Hoffman...and on the moon, not the ocean...and chickens....so nothing like this actually....but there will be Samuel L Jackson

And those are my plans. They are very simple, creative, and could be accomplished with the help of the fine people at the MacArthur Fellows Program. The only hitch in my plan is getting nominated. See, there's no application or anything like that, because apparently a genius isn't allowed to recognize himself. Bastards. The way the genius grant works is that someone else nominates you anonymously. So this is where you nonexistent readers come in. I'm humbly requesting that you contact the MacArthur Foundation and get the ball rolling for me. It's probably best not to tell them of my plans...if they ask, tell them I'm going to cure cancer...or something.

So...get on that...

I really wish I could stop making these...but I can't...I just can't