Teuthiphobia: Fear of Squid. Also known as the most rational of the phobias.

What's funny is that you probably think that's something other than a planet...

Beak, tentacles, a shell underneath skin, an organic jet, bioluminescence, shoots ink, and two eyes on each side...two evil, evil eyes.

I'm talking SQUID.

No one's had the heart to call the photographer's family yet. It's been eight years.

Squid are the cephalopod menace that live in our seas (!!!), waiting to strike. And the government knows it. We are kept in the dark so we do not provoke them and start the war before we can abandon this doomed planet. What the government knows, neither you nor I know, but today, I'm going to tell you.
The squid have already struck.
The Japanese were attacked by the second squid ever recorded on September 15, 1982. It massacred over 9000 (!!!) Japanese cities, until it was finally killed, after America had to nuke part of Japan just to kill it. Twice.
(Oh yeah. Conspiracy.)

Some of you may ask me, what evidence do you have for any of this?
Well, to you, I stand my own question.
ALIENS.
That’s all.

This original beast was named “Kraken”, a shortened term of the Japanese curse word “Krakendono.” [Roughly translated, “Kraken” is Japanese for “OH SHI--”.]

This attack left Japan crushed. Only bits and pieces of its eastern border remain. It once used to be a proud country, with a shape that it could be proud of. After the squid invasion (!!!), it no longer stood out on the globe as a symbol of democracy.
The before and after pictures are below.



The islands below afterwards are just crumbs from the squid.

Some of you may ask me, how come Japan covers up China and looks just like the US?
Well, to you, I stand my own question.
ALIENS.
That’s all.

Later, the persistent Japanese (!!!) would attempt to attack the squid in dissuading methods. They began the movie (!!!) franchise “Godzilla” [roughly, “pussy-faggot”], replacing the part of the Kraken with some lizard thing (lizards aren’t close to being as fucking weird as squid). They would also go on to take the multitudinous spawn of the Kraken, and cook them alive and EAT them, calling it calamari. [Japanese for “fuck y’all damned squid, we gon’ eat your damned children, what you damn think of THAT, bitches? FUCK yeah. Bitches.”...roughly]
These attempts to demoralize the cephalopod menace were met with failure, as they soon found out that you cannot dishearten that which has no soul (!!!). Like Brett. The bastard.

Even today, the struggle continues!
Below I have photographic evidence of a man studying a squid.




However, after spending too much time altering the photo, I found photographic evidence of a SQUID studying a MAN.


That's a monocle. Duh.

Some of you may ask me, Woody, what the hell (!!!) is wrong with you?
Well, to you, I stand my own question.
ALIENS.
That’s all.

~W

P.S. Vampyroteuthis infernalis [Latin for "Vampire Squid from Hell," not even roughly translated] is the damnest freakiest damn thing you'll ever see, if you can take it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5ZQH2Uzpew

P.P.S. Roswell’s residents were dead long before the bomb, after the first squid attack. Some of you may ask, what bomb? I believe you know my response...