More artistic medium

So now that you have seen my doodles I thought I'd put up a video. The only thing I'd like to say to any other future film makers. Check your weather so that you aren't trying to film in 30mph ice wind.

Police Rating of 3

So here is something new I thought I'd put on the site,
new strips of my comic Verge of Dementia.
So with out further introduction here it is.

Here's the link for all you Honkeys who don't like to scroll.

Important News Bulletin

This man just discovered the joys of Viagra.






That is all.

Friends.

Normally you can expect my posts to be about crazy things, like Pokemon and Movies, but today I'd like to speak to you about something we all share (Needles, here at Ohao). Friends. More specifically the few friends that you hate... yet seem to stay around anyway. I have recently found that... All but a few of my friends are these types of friends, but it is the curse of being an asshole, you only get asshole friends. Now a few of my asshole friends have moved on to college and have grown up.... slightly. These people have become your writers here at Ohao. Now before they figure out that I have, in a round about way complimented them.... HERE'S A MONKEY!

So, let's talk about how much I hate my other friends, shall we? Now I'm not one to name names, but their names rhyme with Dick and Bitch (Could you guess? Nick and Mitch! Haha dirty words!) So these two seem to be both stuck at dead ends with no way to get out and since I am the only one with in geographical convenience, they take it out on me. Both are two halves of one douchebag. So I'm going to divide it up thusly.

Mitch (Aka the Physical Douche Bag): Mitch is one of those people who can't formulate a witty comeback in an argument so instead of pausing for a moment or staying quiet, he spouts something nonsensical and karate chops you in the throat until you are rolling on the floor cursing your short attention span for easily following a simple suggestion to look up, with no second thought. He's the type of person you can't disagree with because the concept of anyone having a difference of opinion of him, is such a difficult idea for his peanut mind to grasp causes him to become enraged and physically assault you. It makes you wonder "What are you 7? Should we be separating you from others until you can learn to keep your hands to yourself?"

Nick (Aka the Annoying Douche Bag) I couldn't really think of how to classify how Nick is a douche bag in one word so let me explain it. Nick makes plans that work for him. Nick does not think of how his plans affect other people. Let me give you an example. Nick finds it fun to hang out at ONE in the morning. Now I'd be lying if I said that I was asleep at that time. I'm usually out flying jets while I tame lions and have sex with several women at once. The point is I'd rather be doing other stuff than going to Seven Eleven or fucking Denny's in the morning, and sometimes I need some fucking sleep. Another example of how he doesn't think his plans through in their relation to others. Before one of Tuesday classes that start at 3:45, they thought it would be fun to go Rock Climbing. First of all, I have no upper body strength so why the fuck would they think I want to come? And yet they kidnap me and take me to the rock climbing place (Because apparently people want to pay 30 bucks to climb fake rocks instead of climbing real ones for free). Here's the clincher. YOU HAVE TO BE EIGHTEEN TO ROCK CLIMB. So instead of my them saying "Hey! Let's do something else instead!" I fucking sat for two hours and watched them climb up and down, over and over. Hmm, where could I get that same experience?




Nick and Mitch recently came to my home and of course being the man that I am... I locked the door and hid like I was Anne Frank. As if that wasn't bad enough, they sat around and waited for FORTY FIVE MINUTES! You'd think after at least ten they'd catch a fucking hint. So after they finally drove away, I sat down and relaxed, but that wasn't enough for them. They came back a half hour later and tapped on my downstairs glass door. So I did the manliest thing of all... I told my mother. So she of course denied my suggestions to lie and tell them I was dead and never coming back, or to call the cops on them so she did the mom thing and told them I was grounded or something lame.

The point of it all is I'm tired of lowering myself for them, tired of the physical abuse and tired of the shit they put me through, and if they come back, I'm going to tell them just that, and that I hope they want to hang out when they grow up a little.

Hairy Justice

We here at Our Hands Are Oranges would like you to know that we care. Not necessarily about you, the reader, but about bigger things. More important thing. Things that will change the course of human history. Things...like the inevitable end of human society. I speak of course of the looming threat of monkey rebellion. Now allow me to drop some knowledge on you.

The theory of monkey revolution was first brought to the publics eyes when French author Pierre Boulle wrote his novel La Planète des Singes in 1963. But being as Pierre suffered the unfortunate handicap of being French, the good ol' US of A perfected his story in 1968 with the well known documentary, Planet of the Apes. Now some of you may be saying "what the hell is this moron talking about, Planet of the Apes is just a movie." Well, if Planet of the Apes is just a movie, then why the hell does the History Channel play it? And I'm not just saying that they've played it once, they've played it SEVERAL times. And what does that mean? It obviously means that the History Channel is picking up television signals from the future, where our cruel Monkey Overlords play it to demoralize their human slaves. And I'm sure many (i.e. all none of you) of my readers are skeptical. Do I really have any evidence that the monkey revolution will be the end of mankind as we know it? Will a monkey regime really be the Dystopian future? And now is the time in the article where I'm forced to give you proof. Even though all the proof you should need is the fact that Charlton Heston said it would happen...and how can you not trust Charlton Heston? HE'S MOSES! But if you still need convincing...bastards... then I have little choice but to point you to current events. I'm sure you all read the news. And as we all know, of all the different great stories of our times taking place, none are more important than the Shenanigans of Monkeys. It all started when a little monkey was found in a man's hat. Not so shocking? How about the fact that they were on a plane! That's right! The little bastard was trying to hijack a plane! True, some may argue that the monkey was in fact not trying to steal the plane...but I think my explanation is better. And since it's my blog...you have to listen to my half-cocked ideas and wild accusations. But is that the only story that I found after a cursory Googling of "Monkey Escapes?" NO! I also found this story about a monkey found running amok in Orlando. And he was wearing a diaper. I don't really think that warrants any extra fear...it's just adorable. And to continue my misunderstanding of the news, I think it's painfully obvious that this Monkey Terrorist was planning to destroy American culture in Orlando. Namely, Disney World. Chilling isn't it?

Artist's rendering of Events

So there you have it. Irrefutable proof that in a matter of years, monkeys will be our dominant overlords, laughing maniacally as the once mighty race of humans huddle in fear of their superior technology and horses. That or it'll be the Chinese. Whatever

When reached for comment, Dr. Zaius proved to be a fictional character, and thus unable to comment. That damn dirty ape.






P.S. - While I was researching (read: Half-Assing) this article, I came across the fact that Charlton Heston has passed away. Rest in peace you angry, angry man.

The case of the stolen socks. How chilling!

Many of you (if there's any of you) who use the college laundry rooms have left, thinking that you have all your clothes, but when you get back to your residence, you will realize that, in your sweet blissful ignorance, you have lost a sock somewhere!
Retrace your steps, check the dryer, check the washer, check your foot, try as you will, but it is apparent that your sock is gone. And there is only one explanation.

SOMEONE IS STEALING YOUR SOCKS!!!

Our finest detectives were the first on the case.

Below you see an unclear picture of what appears to be a tall, handsome male with black n' sexy hair carrying a box, going about what appears to be his business. But what is his business? It appears to be SOCK STEALING!



Later, we discovered what appears to be the box that the suspect was carrying to be full of what appear to be socks.



Left next to the box was an incriminating letter, written on what appears to be normal white paper, but without any fingerprints or blood left, we could not identify what would appear to be who the letter was sent to.




To recap:



At this point in the case, our finest detectives made an important discovery:
No one cares about their damn socks enough.

After this discovery, they quickly found out the culprit, the same criminal determined responsible for putting gum underneath desks, plotting to kill Brett, leaving doors open, spitting on short people, plotting to kill Brett twice, jaywalking, and other such crimes that, again, no one cares about.

It was, of course, EVIL BANANA.


The elusive, malevolent, scapegoat fruit that has a rap sheet as big as my ego.
My beautiful, beautiful, ego.

Our detectives went on to play Super Smash Bros Brawl, and gamed happily ever after.

Conclusion/moral:
Sometimes you lose socks.
Deal with it.
I, on the other hand, have actually gained seven socks since coming to college!
Wearing your mismatched socks,
~Woody

P.S. In response to allegations that I am what has been called a "shrubfucker", I must first deny any physical relations between me and any grass-type Pokemon or any unhealthy or sexual relationship between me and any plants.
P.P.S. t('.'-t)
P.P.P.S. That's Kirby flipping you off, Brett.
P.P.P.P.S. Die.

Academic Insanity

So, I've been in college for a while now, and there's one thing I've become convinced of. Putting so many people with different majors in close quarters isn't a wise thing to do. When we get bored, we come up with crazy ideas, and because we have access to diabolical minds and facilities that we probably shouldn't be allowed in.
Case in point. Over spring break, three of my friends didn't have anything to do, and were trapped in the dorms the whole time. That madness brought forth the combined efforts of an engineer and a chemistry major to create a Potato Cannon.
Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Everyone makes potato cannons at some time in their life if they're bored enough...but once other people start having ideas, things get a little more complicated.
What started with a trip to Safeway to get essential foodstuffs (i.e. chips, soda, donuts) ended with us trying to steal a shopping cart. Out of laziness. But we soon had the idea that we could use it for MUCH better purposes. Namely, creating a tank. As soon as we became 100% sure that we didn't want to carry our groceries the couple blocks back to the dorm and that we'd be theifing the cart, we couldn't help but wonder what we'd use the cart for after we were done utilizing it's carrying capabilities. And we decided that it made perfect sense to convert it into a tank.
Unfortunately our goals were shattered by the stupid cart having some sort of locking mechanism on it's wheel so we couldn't easily roll it out. So instead of just picking the damn thing up and walking it back to campus to dismantle the sensor and create our tank, we flipped the thing over for spiting up and then hid it.
But some day soon we WILL go and steal that cart. And when the tank is done, the inevitable next step is to get the engineers and the computer science major in our group to make it sentient. And then Skynet will form a year or two afterwards. So...I guess we just damned mankind...but at least we'll get a cool tank out of it!