Hairy Justice

We here at Our Hands Are Oranges would like you to know that we care. Not necessarily about you, the reader, but about bigger things. More important thing. Things that will change the course of human history. Things...like the inevitable end of human society. I speak of course of the looming threat of monkey rebellion. Now allow me to drop some knowledge on you.

The theory of monkey revolution was first brought to the publics eyes when French author Pierre Boulle wrote his novel La Planète des Singes in 1963. But being as Pierre suffered the unfortunate handicap of being French, the good ol' US of A perfected his story in 1968 with the well known documentary, Planet of the Apes. Now some of you may be saying "what the hell is this moron talking about, Planet of the Apes is just a movie." Well, if Planet of the Apes is just a movie, then why the hell does the History Channel play it? And I'm not just saying that they've played it once, they've played it SEVERAL times. And what does that mean? It obviously means that the History Channel is picking up television signals from the future, where our cruel Monkey Overlords play it to demoralize their human slaves. And I'm sure many (i.e. all none of you) of my readers are skeptical. Do I really have any evidence that the monkey revolution will be the end of mankind as we know it? Will a monkey regime really be the Dystopian future? And now is the time in the article where I'm forced to give you proof. Even though all the proof you should need is the fact that Charlton Heston said it would happen...and how can you not trust Charlton Heston? HE'S MOSES! But if you still need convincing...bastards... then I have little choice but to point you to current events. I'm sure you all read the news. And as we all know, of all the different great stories of our times taking place, none are more important than the Shenanigans of Monkeys. It all started when a little monkey was found in a man's hat. Not so shocking? How about the fact that they were on a plane! That's right! The little bastard was trying to hijack a plane! True, some may argue that the monkey was in fact not trying to steal the plane...but I think my explanation is better. And since it's my blog...you have to listen to my half-cocked ideas and wild accusations. But is that the only story that I found after a cursory Googling of "Monkey Escapes?" NO! I also found this story about a monkey found running amok in Orlando. And he was wearing a diaper. I don't really think that warrants any extra fear...it's just adorable. And to continue my misunderstanding of the news, I think it's painfully obvious that this Monkey Terrorist was planning to destroy American culture in Orlando. Namely, Disney World. Chilling isn't it?

Artist's rendering of Events

So there you have it. Irrefutable proof that in a matter of years, monkeys will be our dominant overlords, laughing maniacally as the once mighty race of humans huddle in fear of their superior technology and horses. That or it'll be the Chinese. Whatever

When reached for comment, Dr. Zaius proved to be a fictional character, and thus unable to comment. That damn dirty ape.






P.S. - While I was researching (read: Half-Assing) this article, I came across the fact that Charlton Heston has passed away. Rest in peace you angry, angry man.