Mental Prowess

So, I'm extremely bored and decided I'd post something on here. But what to post? I don't really do anything interesting, and I'm not particularly clever. So I basically put my mind on random and let whatever came out flow forth. And that was a bad idea. Because I have a horrible mind. And after common sense made me delete several ideas, I decided to write this post. A chronicle of how my mind works...or doesn't work...whatever. At first I was going to explain my plan for putting Christopher Walken in every movie ever made. Just because. It's a grand plan, but this is more important.

Tee hee

Over the years, I've perfected the model for how my mind works. A very common way to describe people's mind is the idea of a train of thought. I like this. Except most people probably picture one train running. That's not my style. I have thousands of trains shooting around as dangerous speeds, ramping over each other and causing massive crashes. And there's tanks. Why tanks? Fuck you, that's why.

Like this, but with...trains...and tanks...and more purple

But back to the random thoughts. MARMALADE. See that? That was a random thought. I get those. A lot. Random little thought bubbles come up, and launch out of me...without much control by me. Going along with the train metaphor, my random thoughts are hobos. Gentle souls riding the rails, and bailing out between stops so the Pinkerton's don't catch them. Except my hobo's are often filth encrusted, angry people who have Tourettes.

An incredibly accurate portrayal of my thoughts... and me in ten years

So as a result, I'll be in the middle of a sentence, and suddenly my mind will yell something at me. Something horrible. And most likely, the little guy in my head that runs my Inner Scrutiny, Frank, allows them to get through, and out into the world. Great job Frank. So one minute you'll be talking to me (not really because...people don't talk to me) and out of nowhere I'll yell something like "DAVID BOWIE WITH FORCE LIGHTING SHOOTING OUT OF HIS CROTCH." Then you run. And I chase. And then cops come after me. And I go to jail. And get raped. And cry and cry and cry.... but I digress.

David Bowie seen here making love with his Ego

And my mind does this ALL. THE. TIME. It's like my mind has the ability to google search, and all I do is hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button. And instead of making me lucky, it spreads filth. And sadly, sometimes my mind just gives me random pieces of a puzzle, like I'm hitting the "random page" button on Wikipedia, then have to sculpt an idea out of the remnants. And I get thoughts like "Belgian Lapdance-Mobile" and then I have to come up with what the hell that would look like.

Classy and discreet

And that's the lesson for today. Since no one actually reads this, I figured I would vent some crazy. So there you are. Good luck getting David Bowie out of your head. And remember, write to your Congressman to get my Christopher Walken idea off the ground. We can do it people. But it will take work...so I can't do it. I'm terminally lazy. And antisocial. And not real.





SHAZAM!

Hell yes.

You can't write this stuff... well originally at least, you can write it afterwards...

As all fourteen of our Ohao readers know, I hate old people beyond human comprehension, which means the only people who can register the amount of hate I have for geriatrics are Super Sayins.

I'll give you a hint, it's OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAND!!!

So believe me when I say that even this event threw me for a loop.


As per my usual Tuesday routine, I woke up at noon, fell back asleep, woke up, masturbated to soft core cable porn, fell back a sleep, woke up, played Rock Band 2, masturbated to hardcore goblin porn and then finally put clothes on and headed out to go catch the bus to film school at around 2:00.

I get on the first bus and ride it till it's end (Much like Patrick and Woody's mothers, depending on which one of them is reading this.) and transferred to another bus which is the norm. I'm going to reiterate this point of fact in case we have any new readers from this swarthy bastard's link to me (Which I thank him and his swarthiness for), I enjoy my own personal space. I like a bubble around me, that all people should respect. Unless I give you some sort of sign, or we've known each other for a while, or you're slipping a single into my waistband, stay a good two feet away at all times.

Now, the bus comes to a stop (I myself staring out a window with no particular connection to the real world wondering if it's possible to "Force Molest" people) and old man clambers his way up the steps and sits in my seat. This guy is so close he's almost sitting in my damned lap. So I look around and notice an empty seat right next to us and call to mind the "Seat Rule" in theaters. If you walk into a theater and there is ONE other guy sitting in a seat, you do not pick a seat with in a three seat radius of him in all directions! Unless you are looking to rape him, then generally a movie theater would be a good place to do it, it's dark and you have him for a whole two hours.

The bus continues on it's route and in my head I'm just REAMING this old guy, blasting out insult after insult, threat after threat. Watching as more and more seats open up and this guy doesn't move and aging muscle. So after a good many stops the bus pulls to another halt and the old man rises from his seat, now I'm quick to claim back my space by way of a backpack but as I watch the old man leave the bus, I notice that he's tapping a cane out in front of him.

That's when I realized... I had just spent the last fifteen minutes yelling at a blind old man for not realizing that I was sitting in a seat he has probably sat in several times before, I didn't feel bad or remorseful or anything about it, I was just amazed at how witty reality is sometimes.

The universe loves to fuck with me man.

What happens next?

What do Storm Troopers do after the Deathstar blows up? I'd like to think it's a lot like this. The picture was far too big and I wasn't sure how to put it directly up, so here's the link.

Existence.

Now everyone knows me as the intelligent one here on Ohao, which makes Patrick the stupid one and Woody also the stupid one. It's a Group Dynamic. Group Dynamics exist to keep our world in order. How else will we know who is going to stay behind in the van and override the security systems of banks when we pull of heists? It's there for a reason. However several things in this world seem to exist but they really could be fabrications of the human mind. Such as Walter the Rape Troll, The Sixties, Spacial Relationships, Dennis Kucinich and Chewbaccachaun (not to be confused with Chaka Khan).

Seriously, what is he?

Ask anyone from the Sixties if they remember it, they'll probably laugh awkwardly and shake their head telling you "No.". So how can we be sure if any of the sixties real happened? Perhaps the "Sixties" were just a failed government experiment that attempted to teach the world the horrors of free love and Rock and Roll! Maybe it's still 1998! Maybe Y2K never happened because it wasn't supposed to happen yet! WE ARE STILL IN DANGER PEOPLE! TELL THE MASSES! SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS! I will use my remaining two years to finish this article, get a piggy back ride from Harrison Ford, become one of the Beastie Boys, then build a bombshelter to save the human race... except the Jews... and the Minish...

And your talking hat.

The biggest offender however of pseudo-existence is Math. Math does not exist, it is nothing but a set of rules created by human beings, altered and tweaked until they matched the world around us. It is no different that any language. There is a very simple way to prove that math doesn't exist. I challenge you, the reader to go find me Two. Now you can't give me a piece of paper with a two written on it, or two of something, find me two... It's impossible! No where in the universe is Two! And much like my lovelife, IT DOESN'T EXIST. Calculus was created because a problem couldn't be solved with trigonometry. The reason that we have accepted math as a universal truth is because the power of the collective minds were enough to imprint it on reality. In fact all of reality could be nothing more than a fabrication. All of the world we live in could be based on our perceptions of reality and nothing more. What's even more interesting is that science is starting to back this theory up. The theory of Quantum Entanglement theorizes that all matter could actually be in contact with each other, and the only reason we see space between objects is because of our mind's perception of reality. Simply put, everything you ever loved, hated, felt indifferent about or accidentally groped you on the bus is POINTLESS. Quantum Physics is basically doing a big "Up your tits!" to reality. It's understandable though, from years of being treated like nerds and geeks, Quantum Physicists decided that the weren't going to take that and made Reality the nerds. So guess what, science just proved that you're all nerds. So you might as well go buy a pocket protector and start watching Quantum Leap, because you just joined our ranks.

Ewoks

Hello there.

I'm posting today to give you a warning. A warning about one of the most terrible creatures ever discovered in the galaxy. They're a dread species that causes wide-spread panic and distress. Their very name is enough to send chills down your spine, causing you to violently vomit in terror as their demonic chants drift across the wind.


I speak of course of Ewoks.

Above: Ewoks

Now I'm sure you're thinking, "Ewoks? Those cuddly little bear creatures from Return of the Jedi?" Yes. And I'm sure you feel that they're harmless little teddy bears. Who would fear them? Endor's an entire goddamn planet of teddy bears. It seems like a paradise.

But let me walk you through how a visit to Endor will unfold. First, you land on the forest planet, unsure of what creatures may inhabit it. Then, to your great surprise you find that Endor, like all planets in the Star Wars galaxy has oxygen on it, so you can breathe. Bonus! Then, when frolicking through the forest, you come across the seemingly prominent species on the planet. Ewoks. The first thing you will probably think is "awwww, isn't it adorable?"

Above: adorable

"Aren't you just he cutest little things? I could hug you forever...hey...why are you tying me up? Is that fire? OH GOD! DON'T SHOVE THAT SPEAR THERE, THAT'S A BAD PLACE! NOOOOOOOO!!!"

That's right. You land on their planet, and they feel that's grounds enough to sacrifice you to their Blood God, Yub Nub Chub.

Above: Yub Nub Chub Devourer of Souls and patron saint of Ewok Disco

Seriously, the only reason that these fuzzy little pagans didn't kill the cast of Jedi when they capture them is because they think C-3PO is some sort of mightier war god or something, making it the only time in Star Wars history that C-3PO wasn't a complete waste of metal.

Why the Hell do we think that Ewok's are cute? If a species first instinct upon seeing a newcomer to their little hippie tree town is "Hey, you look like you'll burn nicely!" IT'S NOT A CUTE ANIMAL! It's a dangerous little beast with very strange theological ideology that should be feared and destroyed.

And to further my insane hate-rant against Ewoks, is the fact that in the wildly popular made for TV movie Ewoks: The Battle for Endor acclaimed actor Wilford Brimley (yes, THE Wilford Brimley) played a strange hermit character who lived peacefully among the Ewoks. How could this be? How could the war-loving Ewok society approve of this oatmeal enthusiast. Well the only reason I can see of why they wouldn't burn his supple man-flesh is that they fear his mighty Diabetes. That or they're just big fans of Cocoon.

Above: Ewok Citizen Kane

But my most terrifying findings in the life of Ewoks? The fact that the most popular Ewok, the one named Wicket that befriended Princess Leia, was played by midget actor Warwick Davis. And what's one of Warwick's other famous characters?

The Leprechaun.

above: The friendliest Ewok

So, as you can logically see, the Ewok is not the only creature on Endor. Ewok's are merely the first stage in the lifespan of some horrible creature that populates Endor. After Ewok's reach the ripe old age of 300, they begin to loose their hair, and gradually mutate into monstrous creatures known on Earth as Leprechauns. These Ewochauns have mastered galactic travel, and send representatives of their terrible species for the grand purposes of harassing Jennifer Aniston and Ice-T.

Evil INDEED has a whole new rap

Going along with this insane idea, are the ideas of genetic breeding. Like all evil alien species (such as Skrulls, Klingons and Nazis) the Ewoks will eventually set about selective breeding to ensure a terrible super-Ewok that will be unstoppable. So after several hours of intense genealogical studies, I have found the most terrifying creature Endor could possibly produce. By cross-breeding famed warrior and Nobel prize winning author Chewbacca with an Ewok, they would produce a creature who's final life form would be some dread combination of a Wookie and a Leprechaun. With the brute, unbeatable strength of a Wookie teamed with the cunning and rhyming prowess of a Leprechaun, this new species would quickly rise to Galactic dominance. They'll sneak into your homes and the last thing you'll see before getting your arms ripped off is a fuzzy monstrosity wearing a green hat doing a little jig and singing "Danny Boy."

And that is why my platform for President supports the immediate carpet-bombing of Endor until it's a scarred husk of a moon.

Take that you fuzzy little terrorists.

USA! USA!

Above: Chewbaccachaun, the last thing you will ever see

Oh interwebs....

Hi there.

I'm about 90% positive no one reads this blog, and even if you ever did, you've long since lost hope that another post would happen. I know I can't vouch for what Woody's doing, and I'm sure Brett's been up to important things (watching Lithuanian porn). I, on the other hand, have been very busy staging a coup in Columbia. It all started when a woman named Christina came to tell me that a former friend of mine named Santos had been killed while trying to lead a revolution against the cruel dictator. So I of course stepped in to help......wait...that's the plot of McBain. Whatever I've actually just been suffering from a severe case of apathy.

above: Author

But I decided to overcome that apathy, and write something. And my random reference to McBain is the first step to that something. And you just thought it was pointless pop culture referencing. No. In fact, I was participating in something the internet prides itself in. Worshiping Christopher Walken. Why Christopher Walken? Why not. I really can't explain why the internet has taken to him, but it has. And he's not the only one. The internets seem to be able to latch onto any person of marginal celebrity, and make them a patron saint. Other examples include Chuck Norris, who would be nothing if the internet hadn't begun making claims of his divinity, and Rick Astley, who should have faded into purgatory with the rest of the 80's but instead lives on in the form of annoying anyone foolish enough to accept a link from anyone. The list goes on, but I'm too lazy to talk about them.

above: Awesome

But what was the purpose of this article? I have some people who I feel are worthy to become saints of the interwebs.


First off, this friendly chap

above: Sweaty, hairy awesome

His name is Torgo. And he's glorious. Torgo has been something of a nerd icon even since his truly awful movie Manos: the Hands of Fate was unleashed on the public in the form of an episode of the classic show Mystery Science Theater 3000. Torgo was something of a villainous character (if knocking out a guy then trying to fondle his wife makes a guy a villain) but I see Torgo as something of a hero. And if the some other sites I found are to be trusted, Torgo is in fact Jesus. So he's got that going for him.


Second, this man

above: Totally awesome

His name is David Daggett. Why should he be an internet saint? Well I really don't think I have to go into that here. Moving on



And Finally, my last candidate for internet saint-hood, Danny DeVito

above: Awesome?

Why Danny DeVito? Well, he's short and weird. And frankly, that should be enough for you internet.

Well, that's all for now, I hope you embrace my candidates internet.
I may update more often, not that anyone reads this. If anyone actually did read this post, and is mildly interested in us continuing our blog, it'd be great if you comment or something so I don't feel like I'm just talking to myself. Not that I have a problem with talking to myself...even though I am a dick...god I hate me...

Let's have a chat.

Well I have yet to see a post from Woody or Patrick in a while, mainly because they are women and thus have vagina problems and can't post. So I'm going to talk about some more shit that pisses me off... okay mainly one thing but it does a lot of stuff that pisses me off, okay!? GET OFF MY BACK! Now I'm not sure if all of you folks out in internet land know of what I'm talking about so I'm going to give you a name that you may know, and that name is: Hollywood.

Hollywood is a magical land run by Jews an inhabited by Scientologists and pricks. It is my dream to one day rule this land with an IRON FIST OF TERROR! But at the moment I am just going to run down what pisses me off about it. Nothing new, right?

First up: Paparazzi Tv.

I'm calling out all of Paparazzi Tv, TMZ, ET, OMG, IRL, COD4, Fox News... Wait... Where was I? Oh yeah, the Paparazzi. Now, for those of you who don't know (what do you live in a cave or something?) the Paparazzi are a low level monster that hit for 30 points of shame damage with a 15% Critical Hit chance. However; the Paparazzi continue to plague my tv screen like it was 14th Century England.
Honestly, is this really what we want our generation to be remembered by? Tv shows that follow the decline of the people we claim to idolize? You know that if it was any other random ass person on tv doing the same terrible things people wouldn't give a damn. Just because it's Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan, doesn't make it any less horrible. Some will say "Well if they wanted privacy they shouldn't have become famous", now do you see how terrible that single statement is? Even worse so, it comes out of the mouths of people who claim to be upstanding citizens! Since when was sticking your dick (yes I just said that) into other people's business a morally justified act? Maybe it would be slightly more tolerable if it was a single show, but Hollywood spews more of this out of it's maw than a freshmen spews vodka into a toilet.

You can see why it's so popular though, for many reasons it is allowed on television. The simple fact is people are boring and stupid animals who feed on misery no matter how much they try to deny it. Hence why reality Tv is the genre of today. As humans we run under the "It's hilarious if it's not happening to me" philosophy and I know that it is true, because I follow it myself. Here's the difference, I like to observe misery that happens around me, by either being attentive or... causing it myself. I'm not prying a camera into some one's house just to get dirt to sell on Television... the police say I'm not allowed to anymore but mainly because I love movies and I'd rather see my heroes in a shining light then face down in the gutter, remembering that they inspired me and taught me things that I will always remember and if you'd rather watch them drink their way into a spiral of shame instead of doing what you can to get them some fucking help and some time away from the media vultures, then you are the type of person who watches this drek because YOUR life is boring and you have to live through the lime light of others. Congrats, I hope that Ben and Jerry's single pint tastes good with you and your seven cats.


Next post I analyze the waining age of cinema we live in. (That's highbrow talk for "Imma rip on some fucked up movies and shit, nawmean?"