Sunday, January 25, 2009

Man, Fuck Wikipedia

Hello my nonexistent readers! I'm bored and lonely, so I thought I'd rant to you! Lucky you! Now I know I've been away from this site for a few months...but since no one reads this, it doesn't matter. But I wanted to preach a cause to you. And no, it's not in insane rant against Ewoks, or a plead to help me win the genius grant (which you obviously didn't do, because I still don't have a god damned taser monkey), and it has nothing to do with Christopher Walken. At least not much.


...Think I'm going to Hell for this one...


But no, this rant isn't about blasphemy. It's about justice.

Recently, I've become locked in an epic struggle against an oppressive force. This monolithic organization threatens to crush all free-thinkers like myself, and I've been assaulting it on all fronts for many tireless hours. I speak of course, of Wikipedia. This juggernaut of information (citation needed) has been straddling the internet for years, dominating it like a horny Saint Bernard would a feeble Chihuahua. And I want those tables to turn. I want to be the Chihuahua to hump Wikipedia into submission!

Hump on Brave soldier! Hump on


But you may be asking yourself what the cause of this coup is. It's quite simple. Wikipedia is not allowing me to spread lies.

Now at first, that may seem like a good thing. Certainly it's a good thing to keep lies off the internet (good luck bitches) and it's obviously a good idea to stop me from succeeding in things (Walken will rule us like a king... I promise). But I think I'm in the right in this case.

It's not even like I'm trying to change anything important, which is why I thought that they might let it slide by. BUT NO! Apparently Wikipedia wants to be "factual." Pansies. The article in question, is Wikipedia's apparently sacred tome on the most noble creature to ever grace God's green Earth.

The mongoose.



Wait that's what a mongoose looks like?.... what am I thinking of?

Wikipedia has the balls to tell the world that that plural of mongoose is mongooses. Now, after researching, I found that this is indeed correct. But I can't see why. If the plural of goose is geese, why the hell isn't mongoose mongeese? It just doesn't make sense!

So I decided to tell Wikipedia the new truth. Mongeese. It's beautiful.


Picture unrelated, but totally amazing

But my initial efforts were met with confusion. Wikipedia was intially not sure what to do about my edit. I received a warning that the information I posted was not in fact true, and that I should refrain from doing it.

Fuck that. Because if I've learned anything from Teddy Roosevelt, it's that you gots to stuck it to da man.


"Keep that pimp hand strong, especially when wrestling a mother fucking bear. Which I do."
-Theodore Roosevelt, 1901

So I continued to assault Wikipedia every time they decided to cover up my lies. And after each alteration, I received a new message from Wikipedia, getting inceasily hostile, which culminated in me being banned from editing. At least for 31 hours, which may possibly be the most random and useless punishment time I've ever heard of. Now logically, once my meager incarceration is over, I'll continue my never-ending (read: as long as I'm bored) struggle against Wikipedia.

But one thing that really peeved me about the whole thing was the fact that when Wikipedia finally had enough of my bullshit and banned me, they told me that I could contest my banning if I felt it was unjust. And of course I did. But Wikipedia still felt that my cause was unworthy. And I can't tell why. So I'll let you be the judge, and I'll post my contestment verbatim:

"Dear Wikipedia. I feel that my banning is in fact unfair. All I was doing was trying to create knowledge. Beautiful knowledge. I feel that this rampant racism toward the mongoose has gone on for long enough, and am trying to change the world. These mighty mongeese deserve a better life, and I think it can start with us Wikipedia. We can give them a better chance! We can give them the recognition they deserve! So please Wikipedia, join with me, and together we can save the mighty mongeese from lives of solitude and hatred. ARE YOU WITH ME?"

They were not.

My banning remained, and I was left without a venue to protest. At least until my banning is over in like, 25 hours. Then Wikipedia will pay... and ban me again. So I urge you readers to join my cause, and edit Wikipedia as often as you can. Make that first sentence say the the plural is Mongeese! And maybe one day Wikipedia will answer our prayers, and give the mongoose the recognition it needs. Or lock the page. Whichever is fine for me.



There! That's what I thought a Mongoose was!


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