Sunday, March 30, 2008

Mah Pokemanz Let Me Rate U Demz.

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Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Spite

Yeah...I don't have an idea for an article. I've had monsterous writers block and frankly, if I manage to mitigate that situation, I'm not going to waste the veritable orgasm of creativity that would deluge from my mind on this blog. Sorry. But I saw that Brett updated, and it was like a slap in the face. So I'm writing this. To bump him. OUT OF SPITE



























This is Spite incarnate. FYI

Hey Patrick! I'm in your post! ADMIN BIATCH.
Spite that. - Brett

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Cinematic Hell.

As I am currently enrolled in film school I thought that I would share my thoughts on the things that are close to my heart (And occasionally my pants when I'm in the mood) and that would be movies. Movies are windows to alternate realms of reality offering escape from the horrible pressures of the real world.... I'M NOT LONELY.... Anyway, as I sit here looking at Fandango's list of movies playing I am shocked, disturbed, aroused and angry. So I thought I'd go down the list and give you my impressions of each. Some of these may be based on seeing the movie and others may be based on preconceived notions that will not change. Lets start with the ones I have seen.
Semi-Pro: Semi-Pro follows Will Ferrell as Jackie Moon, a music star (with only one hit) who now owns, plays and coaches the Florida Tropics, a basket ball team looking to get into an NBA merger. Simple... and ineffective. Honestly I didn't start this up expecting something more than a movie carried by Will Ferrell acting like an idiot and that's what I got. The worst part of this is I know Ferrell can do better. After seeing Stranger Than Fiction, that set his bar. Seriously, I know the Thickies are a huge audience with lots of disposable income, waltzing into theaters with pockets lined full of their parents cash and a dime bag of the puff, but can we just stop this? Kicking and Screaming, Blades of Glory, Talladega Nights and Semi-Pro, what's next? A movie about idiots playing football? Oh wait some one beat them to it.


Next on the chop block.



Another movie following a trend. This trend? Film adaptations of novels. Here's the catch, this hasn't been a novel since... EVER. This is a Seuss book, which worked for How the Grinch Stole Christmas, but trying to ride the wave of a movie that was popular a few years ago is a risk. Now I could sit here and berate this movie for being nothing but a kids movie but I'll start out with honesty, it kept me watching through the whole thing and the parody of the anime genre had me laughing to myself. Now for the bad. The plot is easy to follow but the message just isn't clear enough, is it about sticking by your friends? Expressing yourself? Being a good listener? Or never listen to what Carol Burnett says? The movie ends on a happy note but you don't feel like you learned anything concrete. Secondly, everything is so bright and sugary I got Type Two Diabetes from trying to focus on the fuzzy inhabitants of Nuul... seriously I'm gonna die... BUT NOT EVEN DEATH CAN STOP MY SPITE. Honestly, I know you tried to capture the colorful world of Seuss but I needed sunglasses to watch this thing.




Oh Jumper, I admit you had me intrigued with your Nightcrawler-esque promises but just like you were a 40 year old man eyeing me from across the dance floor as I bump and grind to Daft Punk, you just left me blacked out, hurt and ashamed at our hour and a half together.
Jumper is based on a novel of the same name (Jesus zombie Christ again?) and of course will appeal to the younger, energy drink pounding Halo junkies who beat off to Roadhouse when no one is home. Why such manly analogies? Well it just doesn't appeal to me... and I'm a nerd... So this movie can't be for nerds, it's not a romance, and it's certainly not a comedy so it must be an action movie. The reason I know this is because many of the people I know who are still in highschool practically screeched into my ear to see this movie, and after finally mentally breaking down and weeping for a good twenty minutes I did just that. Now every day I look back and say to myself "I wonder what would happen if I hadn't gone... maybe I could have cured cancer in that time... or solved world hunger..." But no, I did it and I can't undo it (yet). Not even Samuel L. Jackson could save this movie from the depths of the sea of soft science this is drowning in. Of course my "friends" try to defend it and say "Well what about the ending fight? That was worht seeing the movie!" No! First if your movie is so great you shouldn't be defending it! Quod Erat Demonstratum, an ending fight which lacked in serious special effects does not a movie make!

Check back soon for a list of movies I am looking forward to and how they will probably slap me in the face for even having the slightest glimmer of hope in my heart.

Friday, March 14, 2008

The Grilled Cheese Paradox

Sometimes, not often, but sometimes, I learn something in college.

So I will take the advantage of sharing this knowledge with our (imaginary?) readers.


This is the Grilled Cheese Paradox.

On the scale of legitimate sandwiches, grilled cheese comes right above the "retard sandwich" (cheese and bread) and below any other legitimate sandwich.
If you don't know the normal recipe for homemade grilled cheese, it is as follows:
Cheese, Bread, Fire, and Love.

Sometimes they add bacon or a tomato in there, but they suck, anyways, so I didn't bother to mention it.  I'm awesome.  So there.

However, as I have observed, college grilled cheese tastes so much better than homemade grilled cheese! I went to seek out the answer, and what I came up with is terrifying. The secret to making a good grilled cheese sandwich is to eliminate that variable of love!

That's right! The reason that sandwiches that your mom makes don't taste as good as college sandwiches is that she loves you.


Of course, if we reverse this equation, and you find that college grilled cheese is less delicious, then your lunch lady loves you more than your mother.
In any case, it's not a good thing.
Be worried.

So, in conclusion, if you want to make a good grilled cheese sandwich, make it with someone you absolutely can't stand in mind.

That's right,
~THE Woody


P.S. Brett, ahead of time, thanks for making my grilled cheese sandwiches so much better.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Ownage

Ownage

Anything is possible as long as you believe.
Especially if the Buster Sword and the Soul Edge are involved.

Attentamente,
~The Lord of MS Paint

P.S. That is RoboHitler, a Nazgul, and Osama bin Laden with Rambo's body.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

POEMZ

Hmmm...looks like no one's updated in a while. Well I'm a busy man (i.e. Lonely) so I don't have the time to come up with anything for you all. I'm a little preoccupied with getting my head shaved for a Cancer Research Charity on the 14th....so I'll just post a random ass poem I had to write for a "creative expression" class a few months ago.


Deep Thoughts

Class is ready

Great big room stuffed to gills with bodies

The lecture has begun.

We’re talking about human interaction,

But my mind is long gone.

I try to focus,

but there’s really no point.

My mind begins to ramble.

What was the name of that one poet from the Fifties?

Allen something.

His last name starts with a ‘G’.

Greenspan?

No, he’s got something to do with economics,

what am I thinking?

Great.

That’s going to bug me all day.

Lecture’s still going on,

I’m not catching a word of it.

There’s a guy a few seats down from me

He has a vacant look in his eyes

He’s playing solitaire on his laptop

Good work buddy.

This sure is a big room.

And it’s packed.

Why are we here?

Are we trapped?

That must be it, we’re trapped

Trapped in the stomach of a Great Beast

Have we ventured too far?

Gotten in over our heads?

Maybe we need Queequeg to come help us.

Wow, that was a little too intellectual

I think I should dumb these thoughts down a tad

This is a class after all

And what’s better to dumb thoughts down than television?

Let’s see…what was I watching earlier?

Oh yeah, they had Jeopardy on in the cafeteria…

Does anybody still watch Jeopardy?

I don’t care too much for Alex Trebek,

too smug.

I prefer Will Ferrell.

I should probably at least try to pay attention

But I don’t think it would make a difference

My mind wanders far too ea – GINSBERG!

It was Allen Ginsberg!

That’s better.

Why’d that take me so long?

Everyone’s getting up…

Guess class is over.

That was productive.

I think it’s nap time.





I SEE YOUR THOUGHTS