Ewoks

Hello there.

I'm posting today to give you a warning. A warning about one of the most terrible creatures ever discovered in the galaxy. They're a dread species that causes wide-spread panic and distress. Their very name is enough to send chills down your spine, causing you to violently vomit in terror as their demonic chants drift across the wind.


I speak of course of Ewoks.

Above: Ewoks

Now I'm sure you're thinking, "Ewoks? Those cuddly little bear creatures from Return of the Jedi?" Yes. And I'm sure you feel that they're harmless little teddy bears. Who would fear them? Endor's an entire goddamn planet of teddy bears. It seems like a paradise.

But let me walk you through how a visit to Endor will unfold. First, you land on the forest planet, unsure of what creatures may inhabit it. Then, to your great surprise you find that Endor, like all planets in the Star Wars galaxy has oxygen on it, so you can breathe. Bonus! Then, when frolicking through the forest, you come across the seemingly prominent species on the planet. Ewoks. The first thing you will probably think is "awwww, isn't it adorable?"

Above: adorable

"Aren't you just he cutest little things? I could hug you forever...hey...why are you tying me up? Is that fire? OH GOD! DON'T SHOVE THAT SPEAR THERE, THAT'S A BAD PLACE! NOOOOOOOO!!!"

That's right. You land on their planet, and they feel that's grounds enough to sacrifice you to their Blood God, Yub Nub Chub.

Above: Yub Nub Chub Devourer of Souls and patron saint of Ewok Disco

Seriously, the only reason that these fuzzy little pagans didn't kill the cast of Jedi when they capture them is because they think C-3PO is some sort of mightier war god or something, making it the only time in Star Wars history that C-3PO wasn't a complete waste of metal.

Why the Hell do we think that Ewok's are cute? If a species first instinct upon seeing a newcomer to their little hippie tree town is "Hey, you look like you'll burn nicely!" IT'S NOT A CUTE ANIMAL! It's a dangerous little beast with very strange theological ideology that should be feared and destroyed.

And to further my insane hate-rant against Ewoks, is the fact that in the wildly popular made for TV movie Ewoks: The Battle for Endor acclaimed actor Wilford Brimley (yes, THE Wilford Brimley) played a strange hermit character who lived peacefully among the Ewoks. How could this be? How could the war-loving Ewok society approve of this oatmeal enthusiast. Well the only reason I can see of why they wouldn't burn his supple man-flesh is that they fear his mighty Diabetes. That or they're just big fans of Cocoon.

Above: Ewok Citizen Kane

But my most terrifying findings in the life of Ewoks? The fact that the most popular Ewok, the one named Wicket that befriended Princess Leia, was played by midget actor Warwick Davis. And what's one of Warwick's other famous characters?

The Leprechaun.

above: The friendliest Ewok

So, as you can logically see, the Ewok is not the only creature on Endor. Ewok's are merely the first stage in the lifespan of some horrible creature that populates Endor. After Ewok's reach the ripe old age of 300, they begin to loose their hair, and gradually mutate into monstrous creatures known on Earth as Leprechauns. These Ewochauns have mastered galactic travel, and send representatives of their terrible species for the grand purposes of harassing Jennifer Aniston and Ice-T.

Evil INDEED has a whole new rap

Going along with this insane idea, are the ideas of genetic breeding. Like all evil alien species (such as Skrulls, Klingons and Nazis) the Ewoks will eventually set about selective breeding to ensure a terrible super-Ewok that will be unstoppable. So after several hours of intense genealogical studies, I have found the most terrifying creature Endor could possibly produce. By cross-breeding famed warrior and Nobel prize winning author Chewbacca with an Ewok, they would produce a creature who's final life form would be some dread combination of a Wookie and a Leprechaun. With the brute, unbeatable strength of a Wookie teamed with the cunning and rhyming prowess of a Leprechaun, this new species would quickly rise to Galactic dominance. They'll sneak into your homes and the last thing you'll see before getting your arms ripped off is a fuzzy monstrosity wearing a green hat doing a little jig and singing "Danny Boy."

And that is why my platform for President supports the immediate carpet-bombing of Endor until it's a scarred husk of a moon.

Take that you fuzzy little terrorists.

USA! USA!

Above: Chewbaccachaun, the last thing you will ever see