Semi-Pro: Semi-Pro follows Will Ferrell as Jackie Moon, a music star (with only one hit) who now owns, plays and coaches the Florida Tropics, a basket ball team looking to get into an NBA merger. Simple... and ineffective. Honestly I didn't start this up expecting something more than a movie carried by Will Ferrell acting like an idiot and that's what I got. The worst part of this is I know Ferrell can do better. After seeing Stranger Than Fiction, that set his bar. Seriously, I know the Thickies are a huge audience with lots of disposable income, waltzing into theaters with pockets lined full of their parents cash and a dime bag of the puff, but can we just stop this? Kicking and Screaming, Blades of Glory, Talladega Nights and Semi-Pro, what's next? A movie about idiots playing football? Oh wait some one beat them to it.
Next on the chop block.
Another movie following a trend. This trend? Film adaptations of novels. Here's the catch, this hasn't been a novel since... EVER. This is a Seuss book, which worked for How the Grinch Stole Christmas, but trying to ride the wave of a movie that was popular a few years ago is a risk. Now I could sit here and berate this movie for being nothing but a kids movie but I'll start out with honesty, it kept me watching through the whole thing and the parody of the anime genre had me laughing to myself. Now for the bad. The plot is easy to follow but the message just isn't clear enough, is it about sticking by your friends? Expressing yourself? Being a good listener? Or never listen to what Carol Burnett says? The movie ends on a happy note but you don't feel like you learned anything concrete. Secondly, everything is so bright and sugary I got Type Two Diabetes from trying to focus on the fuzzy inhabitants of Nuul... seriously I'm gonna die... BUT NOT EVEN DEATH CAN STOP MY SPITE. Honestly, I know you tried to capture the colorful world of Seuss but I needed sunglasses to watch this thing.
Oh Jumper, I admit you had me intrigued with your Nightcrawler-esque promises but just like you were a 40 year old man eyeing me from across the dance floor as I bump and grind to Daft Punk, you just left me blacked out, hurt and ashamed at our hour and a half together.
Jumper is based on a novel of the same name (Jesus zombie Christ again?) and of course will appeal to the younger, energy drink pounding Halo junkies who beat off to Roadhouse when no one is home. Why such manly analogies? Well it just doesn't appeal to me... and I'm a nerd... So this movie can't be for nerds, it's not a romance, and it's certainly not a comedy so it must be an action movie. The reason I know this is because many of the people I know who are still in highschool practically screeched into my ear to see this movie, and after finally mentally breaking down and weeping for a good twenty minutes I did just that. Now every day I look back and say to myself "I wonder what would happen if I hadn't gone... maybe I could have cured cancer in that time... or solved world hunger..." But no, I did it and I can't undo it (yet). Not even Samuel L. Jackson could save this movie from the depths of the sea of soft science this is drowning in. Of course my "friends" try to defend it and say "Well what about the ending fight? That was worht seeing the movie!" No! First if your movie is so great you shouldn't be defending it! Quod Erat Demonstratum, an ending fight which lacked in serious special effects does not a movie make!
Check back soon for a list of movies I am looking forward to and how they will probably slap me in the face for even having the slightest glimmer of hope in my heart.
Jumper is based on a novel of the same name (Jesus zombie Christ again?) and of course will appeal to the younger, energy drink pounding Halo junkies who beat off to Roadhouse when no one is home. Why such manly analogies? Well it just doesn't appeal to me... and I'm a nerd... So this movie can't be for nerds, it's not a romance, and it's certainly not a comedy so it must be an action movie. The reason I know this is because many of the people I know who are still in highschool practically screeched into my ear to see this movie, and after finally mentally breaking down and weeping for a good twenty minutes I did just that. Now every day I look back and say to myself "I wonder what would happen if I hadn't gone... maybe I could have cured cancer in that time... or solved world hunger..." But no, I did it and I can't undo it (yet). Not even Samuel L. Jackson could save this movie from the depths of the sea of soft science this is drowning in. Of course my "friends" try to defend it and say "Well what about the ending fight? That was worht seeing the movie!" No! First if your movie is so great you shouldn't be defending it! Quod Erat Demonstratum, an ending fight which lacked in serious special effects does not a movie make!
Check back soon for a list of movies I am looking forward to and how they will probably slap me in the face for even having the slightest glimmer of hope in my heart.
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